6 months

My Dear Little Boy,

6 months ago was the hardest day of my life. I sat in a little room with you in my arms as you drew your last breath. You hadn’t opened your eyes since the Wednesday before and I prayed that I could see your beautiful blue eyes one more time. God granted me my request and you opened your eyes one more time as you took your last breath. 6 months ago you saw the face of Jesus for the first time as he took you to Heaven.

Some days have been harder than others. We talk about you daily. Your little sister is always talking about you. She has claimed all your stuffed animals and there are some that are more precious to her because she knows you held them in your hands. Some nights she sleeps snuggled in your blue blanket that you loved so much. She can be found many times playing in you room. She tells everyone who will listen about her Bubba. Even when you have never seen something, she tells everyone that her Bubba loves it and that it is your favorite.

I have fallen asleep many times after crying because I miss you so much. I love seeing pictures of you on my phone.  I miss your laugh and that beautiful smile of yours. I wish I could hear you one more time as you say “AAAH” while giving me a hug. I wish I could watch you as you climb up on your Daddy’s lap and see what he is doing on his phone. I can still imagine you getting your clothes on and heading for the car because you can’t wait to go to school.

Once in a while I will think of you while doing  something and wonder if you would like it or not. We will hear the sirens go by and remember how you didn’t like the sound. I am so glad for the little things that remind me every day of you. I look forward every day to seeing pictures and videos of you on Facebook.

You have influenced so many people, and I am honored to say I was one of them. Because of you, I am more compassionate for others. You taught me to love a little more, to laugh often and to smile despite of being in pain.

We love you so much and we will never forget you. We will see you again someday.

Love, Your Mama

Mummified Parasites

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In the last few weeks my daughter has fallen in the love with the PBS show called Wild Kratts. If you don’t know what this show is, it’s these two brothers Chris and Martin who interact with animals and they go into animation with the phrase, “What If?” Continue reading “Mummified Parasites”

Mother’s Day

This Mother’s Day is going to be a little different for me. I am not sure how I am going to deal with it. Whether it is because it will be the two-month anniversary of my son’s death or because the first person to make me a Mom won’t be there to celebrate Mother’s Day with me this year.
While I have always known in the back of my mind that something like this might happen eventually, I really wasn’t expecting my fifth year as a mom to come with such heartache.
And yet, I am still celebrating the fact that I was given the privilege to be the Mama of a beautiful little boy who caught and held the heart of so many people. When I found out that I was pregnant with my son over 6 years ago, I didn’t realize what an honor it would be to become a mom.
I always wanted to be a mom since I was a little girl. I saw my own mom with all her struggles and the love she showed to my siblings and I wanted to be just like her. My Mom homeschooled us while holding down the duties of Pastor’s wife. She made us meals and cleaned the house making sure we had clean clothes to wear. But one of the things I saw my mom do was her quiet time in the morning. She would get up at 5:45 in the morning, most days, before anyone else was awake and spread out her Bible to study. There were times I would come down stairs knowing she would be doing her quiet time, just to see her doing it. I always tell her if I could be half the Mom and Wife she is, I would be doing very well.
Momhood is not all it’s cracked up to be. It’s exhaustion, and sleepless nights. It’s heartache and frustration. And yet, it is more than you could ever ask for. Momhood is hugs and kisses, and love that feels as if it is going to burst out of your chest. Momhood is the pure joy of each new accomplishment for your child and the first day they tell you “I love you.”
I wouldn’t trade any of my Mom experiences. While it has full of sadness and sorrow, I am grateful for every one of them. When I first became a mom, I didn’t know what would happen. But through everything I have been through, I have a bigger appreciation for other moms who have been through what I have been through. It’s nice to know that I am not alone and I like being about to share with others that they are not alone.
I am very much going to miss my son, but I am thankful that as I celebrate Mother’s Day this weekend, I will not only be able to celebrate with my daughter, but I will also get to celebrate my mom, my mother-in-law, my grandmother and grandmothers-in-law, my sister, my sister-in-law and my aunts and cousins. Not to mention all my friends who have been mothers in my life.
This year I send out a huge hug to all my friends who do not have a child to hold, or is mourning the loss of their little one as I am. You are loved, and you are not alone. You are no less important than the woman who holds that baby in her arms. As a matter of fact, I think God holds you just a little closer.
Happy Mother’s Day