Thoughts on Grief- Part 2- Why?

When my husband and I found out we were expecting our first child, like every new parent, we were over the moon excited. We started planning and picking names and discussing what our child would look like. When we had our anatomy scan, we were excited to learn that we were going to have a boy. We told our family and friends, and started zoning in on the name we were going to give him.

When we got the call saying, “there were some numbers that concerned the doctor”, but that everything was fine, fear crept into our minds. We had no clue what was about to happen, as we went to a specialist for a full sonogram. The doctor told us that our baby had a very server form of hydrocephalous. She could find no brain mass and would we like to terminate.

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Thoughts on Grief Part 1

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Grief

Disclaimer: I do not have a degree in counseling or human behavior. I have never taken classes in counseling or how to deal with grief, but I am living through grief and because of it, I feel that I have tiny handle on what it is. 

Dictionary.com defines grief as “keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret”. This is only a tiny definition of what grief is. Grief isn’t just mental, it affects every part of your life and fills your whole body, not just your mind. There are days when grief is so strong that even your eyes don’t want to open. There are days when it consumes your thoughts and dreams and no matter what you do, it’s there hiding behind your every day life. It hits you in the most inopportune times, when you’re driving your car, when your about to go to sleep, when your sitting in church. Continue reading “Thoughts on Grief Part 1”

6 months

My Dear Little Boy,

6 months ago was the hardest day of my life. I sat in a little room with you in my arms as you drew your last breath. You hadn’t opened your eyes since the Wednesday before and I prayed that I could see your beautiful blue eyes one more time. God granted me my request and you opened your eyes one more time as you took your last breath. 6 months ago you saw the face of Jesus for the first time as he took you to Heaven.

Some days have been harder than others. We talk about you daily. Your little sister is always talking about you. She has claimed all your stuffed animals and there are some that are more precious to her because she knows you held them in your hands. Some nights she sleeps snuggled in your blue blanket that you loved so much. She can be found many times playing in you room. She tells everyone who will listen about her Bubba. Even when you have never seen something, she tells everyone that her Bubba loves it and that it is your favorite.

I have fallen asleep many times after crying because I miss you so much. I love seeing pictures of you on my phone.  I miss your laugh and that beautiful smile of yours. I wish I could hear you one more time as you say “AAAH” while giving me a hug. I wish I could watch you as you climb up on your Daddy’s lap and see what he is doing on his phone. I can still imagine you getting your clothes on and heading for the car because you can’t wait to go to school.

Once in a while I will think of you while doing  something and wonder if you would like it or not. We will hear the sirens go by and remember how you didn’t like the sound. I am so glad for the little things that remind me every day of you. I look forward every day to seeing pictures and videos of you on Facebook.

You have influenced so many people, and I am honored to say I was one of them. Because of you, I am more compassionate for others. You taught me to love a little more, to laugh often and to smile despite of being in pain.

We love you so much and we will never forget you. We will see you again someday.

Love, Your Mama

Mummified Parasites

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In the last few weeks my daughter has fallen in the love with the PBS show called Wild Kratts. If you don’t know what this show is, it’s these two brothers Chris and Martin who interact with animals and they go into animation with the phrase, “What If?” Continue reading “Mummified Parasites”