I realized recently that I haven’t sat down and written in my blog since March. A lot has happened since March. First of all, we passed through Rylen’s first year in Heaven. I really can not describe to you the feelings I had on March 14 of this year. My family went to Houston, TX for the week and we enjoyed family time. On March 14, we went to NASA and enjoyed exploring the Johnson Space Center. Continue reading “A Long Break”
I am not sure how long we were in shock. I would say, we were there until just a few weeks until my c-section.
In the meantime, our family gathered around us and supported us. I can’t remember how many times my mother in law came along with us to doctor appointments to help us asked the hard questions. Our church family threw their arms around us and prayed for us, and let us cry on their shoulders.
The week leading up to my C-section was probably the scariest week of my pregnancy. We had the final appointment with the doctor who would be in charge of the NICU team who would be taking care of my baby. He looked at the scans and told us that the first 5 minutes would be the most critical and that if our baby did not breath within those first 5 minutes, that would be all the could do. He said that because he could see no brain mass at all that very likely our son would be deaf, blind, and a vegetable for however short his life would be, if he survived those first 5 minutes.
Imagine being told your child wouldn’t live and if he did would need all the help he could get from tubes and machines for the rest of his life. I don’t think I had ever been so scared in my life!
My mother in law asked the one questions that the answer left us scratching our heads. Why was it that whenever our boy heard music or certain people talking (mostly his Daddy), he started to move and kick if didn’t have a brain. The Doctor told us that it was just reflexes. It just didn’t make sense. I still don’t know why he thought it was just reflexes, because if they were, he sure had a lot of them.
I don’t know if at the time I was just holding in all my emotions, or if I truly had started to put my trust in God to see us through this trying time. All I know is when my co-workers threw me a shower after the meeting with the doctor, I lost it. I never cried so hard. Just when I was going to finally be a mom, I was going to lose the one who would make me a mom.
I can’t tell you how many times people asked me if I was ever angry with God. I should have been. To the world, I had a right to be angry. And maybe I did have that right, but I never was. I honestly cannot remember a time when I was angry at God for giving me the desires of my heart only to dash it on the rocks before I ever had a chance for it to be fulfilled.
Before we ever knew we would go through all of this with our son, I heard a song on the radio called Blessings by Laura Story and I immediately fell in love with the song. What if our blessings came through tears drops? I didn’t realize how important that song would become to us.
I don’t know how people can get through grief without support of their friends and family. I really don’t know how they ever get through the hardest times without God. I know I would have curled up in my bed and wanted to stop living, but I had something so few people don’t seem to have. I had prayer warriors lifting my little family up in prayer on our behalf on a daily and even hourly basis. I could feel their prayers. The Bible talks about “the Peace that passes all understanding”, we felt it. There is no way to explain what this feeling is actually like other then a calmness that floods you from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. When you lay your head down you don’t have a worry in the world because you know it is being taken care of.
On November 13, 2011, just two days before we went in for my C-section, we went to church. I can’t tell you how much love my husband and I felt that day. We started the day out with about 30 of our friends from our Sunday School class gathering around us, laying their hands on us, and praying for God’s will to be done. My husband and I both felt the same feeling wash over us as they prayed. We knew that whatever was going to happen, God was in control and we were ok with it.
Family gathered on November 14. My mother-in-law and her sister took me for a manicure and the ladies at the nail salon asked me when I was due, and I calmly told them that I was going in for a C-section the next day and that we weren’t sure whether or not if the baby would be born alive. Later, my Mother-in-law’s sister asked me how I could be so calm about the whole situation. I told her it was because I knew that God was in control and He was going to take care of it, even if it wasn’t what I wanted. A family from our church that we didn’t know very well, but who would become a very important part of our son’s life, knocked on our door and asked if they could pray for me. Knowing complete strangers were willing to come and pray for me, continued to amaze me. The husband and wife came to visit me every day I was in the hospital and prayed with me because they worked right next door to the hospital I was staying in. What a blessing they were!
The morning of November 15th came early. Very Very early. My C-section was scheduled for early in the morning. I couldn’t eat anything after midnight that night. Friends, family, nurses and doctors all gathered around my bed and prayed for God’s will to be done. We had to wait due to the doctor having to do an emergency delivery so I wasn’t wheeled back into the OR until late morning.
While they prepared me for my C-section, giving me an epidural, and everything else they needed to give me before hand, My husband and mother-in-law gowned up so they could be with me during the procedure. I realized I need to tell you something very important about my husband, Reagan. He is completely blind. While many people would say not being able to see is a handicap, it was actually an advantage for him, especially where our son was concerned. My husband’s mom was in the OR with us to let him know what was going on and to take him where he needed to go.
Having a baby is nerve racking. Having a C-section is even more so. Having a C-section and not knowing if there is going to be a live baby at the end of the whole ordeal is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I lay there praying that I would be able to hold him for a few minutes after he was born. I wanted to have time with him before he passed away.
When my husband and I found out we were expecting our first child, like every new parent, we were over the moon excited. We started planning and picking names and discussing what our child would look like. When we had our anatomy scan, we were excited to learn that we were going to have a boy. We told our family and friends, and started zoning in on the name we were going to give him.
When we got the call saying, “there were some numbers that concerned the doctor”, but that everything was fine, fear crept into our minds. We had no clue what was about to happen, as we went to a specialist for a full sonogram. The doctor told us that our baby had a very server form of hydrocephalous. She could find no brain mass and would we like to terminate.
Disclaimer: I do not have a degree in counseling or human behavior. I have never taken classes in counseling or how to deal with grief, but I am living through grief and because of it, I feel that I have tiny handle on what it is.
Dictionary.com defines grief as “keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret”. This is only a tiny definition of what grief is. Grief isn’t just mental, it affects every part of your life and fills your whole body, not just your mind. There are days when grief is so strong that even your eyes don’t want to open. There are days when it consumes your thoughts and dreams and no matter what you do, it’s there hiding behind your every day life. It hits you in the most inopportune times, when you’re driving your car, when your about to go to sleep, when your sitting in church. Continue reading “Thoughts on Grief Part 1”
I met him for the first time 6 years ago. Actually I heard him before I ever saw him in person. He yelled as if to say, “Look out World, here I come!” Continue reading “Happy Birthday in Heaven”